It's time to make America operate again.
Bossa Studios originally released their Surgeon Simulator back in 2013-ish. The game was well-received, but there was an obvious lack of...something. Something loud, brash, crude, and insensitive. Something that says whatever it feels like without caring about the repercussions. Something that has actually cost a good friend of mine his job and home due to the ridiculous amount of verbal diarrhea launched at pretty much any demographic (when PGA sponsorship companies withdraw support, (former) employees feel the consequences).
Yes, Surgeon Simulator was clearly and obviously suffering from an utter lack of Donald Trump.
Luckily, that issue has been rectified; Trump now finds himself under the knife and in your questioningly capable hands.
The aim of the game is to give the Don a heart transplant. There are two options - a heart of gold or a heart of stone. Each time a heart is successfully transplanted, a “vote” is cast. Voting can be tracked at http://www.surgeonsim.com/trump.
But of course, that’s not all that you can do with the Trumpster. There are interesting tools at your disposal, such as golden scalpels, golden hammers, Trump Vodka, a Trump Tower replica, Trump steak, makeup, razors, and, among other things, a very American gift from Hillary Clinton. How sweet!
As this is the DLC, nothing has actually changed from the original, mechanics-wise. You still play a hand that grabs hopelessly at various surgical tools and Oh God. I just killed another patient.
It’s this hand that you can use to pick up something seemingly random and saw through D.T.’s sternum, sever vital organs from their proper places, and insert the desired heart into the now-vacant cavity. Sounds easy, right?
In theory, it is. In (mal)practice? It looks less like a qualified, trained surgeon is handling the procedure and more like a drunk baby with a man-hand in the throes of a seizure running the show. I’d wager Michael J. Fox with a chainsaw could do a better job, honestly.
...but I digress...
I figured I would be at least decent at this game because I played the ever-loving crap out of Trauma Center for the Wii, but that didn’t help me one bit. For the first few rounds, Trumpy kept bleeding out, which, depending on who you speak to, means you win so...it’s really hard to lose here. But I’m a doctor, damn it, and I need to finish this procedure.
So eventually I git gud. I decide to choose the golden tools (because Donnie would have probably wanted it that way) and HO. LY. CRAP. They really rack up the medical bills! If you don’t care about that then...you know, whatever, but I tried challenging myself to make the most outrageously expensive medical bill, and the golden tools are the way to go.
So is this game any good?
Well, define good. Honestly? No, it’s really not. The graphics are sub-par, the music is irritating (yet catchy, ugh), and the mechanics are FREAKING FRUSTRATING.
But is this enjoyable?
Yes. Oh Yes. Sweet Republican Jesus it is so enjoyable.
Where to start? Flinging random Don T. organs everywhere? Shaving his eyebrows? Tugging at his hair to determine whether or not it’s real? Smearing makeup all over him? Placing random objects inside his gaping chest cavity? Shrinking your hand and then rage-laughing when you can’t reach his heart because your fingers are comically little?
I mean, I was just in tears as I played this. From enjoyment or frustration, I am not sure, but I do know that I was having a great time.
As for what heart I went with? Well...you know. I played both ways. Does he have a heart of gold? Currently? No. But there’s a chance he may be our next president, and I felt pretty compelled to give him one based solely on that fact.
On the other hand, he totally deserves a stone heart. Because that’s what he has right now anyway, right? Might as well just give him what he currently possesses.
What did you give him? Or just tell me why I’m stupid for not liking DumpTrump. Whatever. Idgaf.
I can’t think of any other presidential candidate that is more appropriate to toy with like this. Literally no one before D. Trump has been this entertaining. While I personally can’t take him seriously in the presidential race, I will say that his value as a pop culture icon cannot be debated. He’s taken root within our psyche, and we just can’t seem to get enough of him. So let’s put on our red hats and rubber gloves and get down to business - Drump needs a heart, and we have to figure out basic body movements with outrageous equipment to get it in there. For America.