Gwendolyn L. Spelvin

Gwendolyn L. Spelvin

Gwendolyn L. Spelvin is a philosopher of the Edward Bernays Century of Self, a follower of Sigmund Freud’s explorations of the subconscious mind through chemical means, and an avid enthusiast of Adolph Hitler’s short-lived ballet career before he rose through the ranks of the Third Reich. Spelvin had dedicated her post academic career as an innovative writer that creates a written vision to prove misanthropic tendencies works with an audience, crafting a message that sways public approval towards her client’s products to the guarantee of the masses blindly supporting the company agenda without them knowing it. A dirty job, but someone has to pacify the idiots who know not what they blindly support into a continuing trek of oblivion. Last, but not least, Spelvin is a firm believer in the annihilation of the JUSTIN BELIBERS. Currently she is working on her cookbook, To Serve A Hot Man: Jeffrey Dahmer's Classic Recipes due out this Christmas.

Peanuts titles are very rare on any platform but have been around for a very long time.  The chosen handful that can be found primarily feature Snoopy, Charlie Brown’s dog, as its main protagonist.  More often than not, only Woodstock and Joe Cool accompany him on his gaming adventures.

Nothing says retro gaming like Atari, and for the 1970s and 1980s players that were kids in this era, having access to a collection of games featuring Pong, Centipede, Warlords, Millipede, Asteroids, and Space Duel may be just the thing to have to get through a midlife crisis.

Payday 2 is the type of title that reeks of development for the sole purpose of securing a film adaptation.  It’s vulgar display of Hollywood talent and over the top trailers that leave actual play dynamics lacking in the imagination department.  Take all of that away and you are left with a title that couldn’t even hold its own during the peak of Windows 98.

Let's call a spade a spade on a few entry points. When it comes to the PC platform, there are not that many bowling entries that make the cut. Most of the Triple-A titles are on consoles; those that rarely do make it to Windows are severely lacking in graphics, sound, controller support, customization, and control scheme. For all intent and purpose, great bowling sagas that are common on consoles are virtually non-existent on the PC.

It takes a special game developer to create a title that has an awesome, curiosity peaked trailer only to turn back around and make any astute gamer hate the fact that the entire development team’s parents lacked the usage of birth control and therefore are partially responsible for the boondoggle of a disaster entitled Agatha Christie: The ABC Murders their offspring created.

When Afro-Samurai released on consoles, the PC platform was intentionally skipped. No big deal, as its functions and character movement is identical to the Samurai Champloo game that was released a console generation back a few years before. The game was just okay, but nothing to write home about. After all, if you have seen the films, you pretty much know the plot.

It’s not very often a title comes around the PC platform that reminds players of a time when great moto racing entries were exclusively for consoles with little hope that a port would ever see the light of day on Windows.

Once upon a time, there was the greatest turn-based sim strategy entry that ever was released in the mobster genre.  Eidos, who were in their prime, was responsible for the beloved Gangster franchise that did justice to revenge driven mob bosses that had to rebuild their name and family domination.  Since then, no other development house has come close to replicating the sheer pleasure and enjoyment those entries brought to the PC platform.

How in the hell did a former console and arcade classic wind up being pimped up in its yesteryear glory with no upgrades other than the logo on the title screen?  Ask developer DotEmu, who apparently has a vendetta against players as seen by the release of Double Dragon Trilogy.

Like every other shoebox developer locked and loaded with an assumed awesome company name, internet connection, a PayPal account, and access to the over glorified Unity engine and subsequent theme packs, Pixel Maverick attempts to cheaply woo players into accepting offerings that look like they are twenty-two years past its initial shelf life.

Sometimes a great brain teaser idea should stay an idea. On the other hand, this has given governments everywhere new mechanisms for solitary confinement torture of political prisoners. Mind Games is the type of entry that makes players wonder whether or not this poor attempt at a puzzle game was a covert front for a clandestine government program.

How can things get any better for Square Enix? The daunting remake of Final Fantasy VII into an episodic All My Children adventure has put them on every shit list imaginable. Rumors of a declawed Wolverine and a cavalcade of watered down X-Men appearing in Kingdom Hearts 3 is about as bottom as a trip to rehab with Dr. Drew.

Let’s be clear here. Kalypso Media should be commended for creating a cast of non-stereotypical multicultural characters for a tactical strategy bank heist title that takes place in an era where such characters would be exploited. Keeping true with the period piece nuances from the funky music to fashion is also a nice articulate touch.

The Hotline Miami franchise is one for the ages.  At first, it’s a cheeky little fun bastard for all the wrong reasons; most of the allure is to satisfy a niche fantasy of playing Grand Theft Auto: Vice City in 8bit.  The music is very decadent of the era and isn’t grossly overproduced or annoying.  And that’s fine, considering it pretty much is a spiritual copy destined for pixelated greatness.

Deadpool just won’t die.  Sadly, it’s been on life support for so long players are accepting the loss of oxygen and lowering their standards to accept the coma like state this title puts them in.

South Park titles for the most part have a unique history; as a cult classic of sorts the only players that seek out such debauchery and toilet humor are fanboys and girls of the franchise. Due to this slanted and bias support of the show, game adaptations are grossly tolerated for being below spec.

Calvino Noir is a peculiar little bastard; at first glance it is nothing more than a downscaled rip of platform titles in the same genre. The trailer alone lets you know it prides itself as beautiful fandom threesome between L.A. Noire, The Saboteur, and Mark Of The Ninja; to its credit this is a point of bold curiosity that appears unabashed and unashamed about such influences.

Remember when the Capcom brand used to actually mean something in this industry? These days Capcom comes off like a bad prescription drug commercial interrupting a game trailer. You’re suckered in with no way out to skip it; the crisis builds with only side effects to ease the pain experienced watching it unfold. In the end you’re left with a controller in your hands and mixed feelings about what the hell you just were forced to witness.

How in the hell do you take one of Sylvester Stallone’s most iconic works (before sequel bastardization) and turn it into a war epic that goes terribly wrong, then wait two complete years to let the shame die down and release a DLC as if it is an apology?

Take away the controversial storyline and central thematic concern of the game, and you are left with a very limited, boring, uninterested, wanna be Duke Nukem: Time To Kill type shooter that doesn’t know its ass from its elbow.  Were it not playing on the hearts and minds of the discriminative, this game wouldn’t even be worth the spit it takes to curse it.

Developers, starting with Four Door Lemon and Vision Games Publishing, need to be held at more accountability for teasing with false senses of playability security.  No one likes being left in a metaphorical epic failure paradox, with no choice but to uninstall the abysmal waste of space from their hard drives.  Ironically, they should be begrudgingly commended.  They promised 101 Ways To Die and lived up to the name and the experience, even if it went terribly wrong.

Hey Rockstar Games, where the hell is the overhyped, long fabled Bully 2 sequel?

So how in the hell did Hoyle Card Games get absolutely screwed up?

Once upon a time in a N64 era textured land far way, lived the lynx Inna and her cubs.  One particularly yellow pixelated cub that looked like none of the others fed into curious temptation and wandered away.  Lost, and not a bit worried, the little cub playfully explores the vast jagged rendered forests of 3D sprites to find its way back to the others to live happily ever after.

Good job, Varkian Empire.  Rome fell and now it’s your turn, my friend.

Digital Homicide is a proud summa cum laude Common Core graduate.