Written by Alex Omega | Edited by John Gerritzen

Renaissance Killer

The Procession to Calvary takes you down humor-ridden paths as a point-and-click adventure set in a collage of classical paintings that depict Western Europe during the Renaissance period. You’re itching to make a kill, since the end of war has brought about a mandatory time of peace, which is totally squashing the general vibes. So, you’re on your way to off Heavenly Peter, who’s been overthrown by someone possibly immortal, someone who has implicitly given you permission to carry out this terrible deed during such a non-murderous, non-violent, and very peaceful era.

Not-So-Holy Pilgrimage

Travelling South to find Heavenly Peter comes with a price tag, so you will want to find ways to convince the characters you meet that they should help you out. While the plot sequences are sometimes unintuitive, the scenes do offer clues as to what you may need in order to advance in your mission. Pay attention to the little details; you will inevitably end up traipsing back and forth across the map as you run errands for people in exchange for the favors and items that will enable your advancement. A highlight function is included to help you notice what you would have otherwise missed, and you can easily check on and use your inventory via a drop-down list. Achievements are doled out in the form of witty verses from the Holy Bible whenever you engage in some notably remorseful act, such as a slapping on a specific tush or getting conned by a pretty woman. The creator has been thoughtful enough to include the full bribe-by-bribe guide on Steam, so if you find yourself completely baffled and getting a headache from listening to wailing guys on crucifixes, help is only a few clicks away.

‘Tis but a - No Wait, I’m Dead

One of the darkest features of The Procession to Calvary (and there are many), is that you can literally choose to kill yourself. Say the wrong thing to someone and you could ruin your chances of survival as well. So don’t be daft, ask the right questions, and don’t go jumping off cliffs or balconies, unless you are really that drawn to do so. The game autosaves, though you may want to take advantage of being able to save at-will if you plan on murdering anyone. Using your sword may lead to karmic repercussions; remember the laws before you go breaking them just so that you can skip a puzzle or two. Pain is part of the game as business plans override pleasure in your fight to regain the freedom to kill, and you’ll learn that sometimes others must suffer for the sake of your very important mission. 

A Bit of Spam for the Discerning Fan

You may cringe when you learn what you must do to get ahead: uncomfortable errands involving mild pedophilia, encouragement of torture, and the procurement of skeletons and other ghastly items. Perhaps this story paints a most accurate picture of how a day in the life of a renaissance capitalist would have played out. This is the raunchy and belligerent teenage stepchild of what the guy who came up with the idea for the art project in the Sistine Chapel was attempting to accomplish. The atmosphere is positively brimming with the hustle-and-bustle, clamor, and torture of renaissance life, with colorful characters going about their everyday activities as if cut right out of paintings. Classical artwork takes the spotlight, each scene beautifully crafted from various pieces by dozens of artists such as Michelangelo, Raphael, and the most notable Hiernymus Bosch, providing the background onto which our story unfolds. Musical arrangements including the works of Beethoven, Wagner, Handel, and many other composers comprise the soundtrack. The dialogue is whimsical and raunchy, bribes are random and weird, and the lack of obtuse logic alludes to everyone being inebriated on snuff or bootlegged cocktails made by an all-too familiar street magician. Nevertheless, the story sticks and all the seeming randomness adds up to tell a comedic story embedded with surrealism.


The Verdict: Excellent

An absolute delight for connoisseurs of fine art and comedy in the vein of Monty Python, this is the perfect journey for the individual who knows better than to take life too seriously. Sit down with some stinky cheeses and prepare to feast your eyes upon sordid scenarios involving almost-dead guys, papal authorities, and the devil himself for about four to fives hours of playthrough. Full of Easter Eggs and fourth-wall breaks, utterly indulgent and lavishly satisfying, The Procession to Calvary will leave you shaking your head laughing at the silly nonsense in which you just willingly partook.

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