Wednesday, 04 May 2016 00:00

South Park: Stick of Lies

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South Park: Stick of Truth boldly fared no differently than its peer group, for lack of trying.

Unrealistic expectations of current generation play, graphics, and market domination plague this title exactly like its predecessors. This would be a well seen fact if not for the proud boasting of show creators and wanna-be game developers Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Their proud revolutionary battle cry to this title’s target demographic stepped over their deaf egomania.

Let’s call a spade a spade here. This positive reviews that have come in about this game serves one of two purposes. For fans of the show, this is the closest sequel to the film that will ever happen or an X-rated uncensored fantasy episode that will never happen on Comedy Central. Take that away and this game has all the makings of a two-dollar bargain bin special at Walmart.

Trey Parker and Matt Stone need their collective narcissistic asses whipped for taking the helm once again and having no idea what the hell they’re doing or what is supposed to go on.

It is no secret that expectation of South Park: Stick of Truth was minimal. Considering that previous franchise entries were ill-received due to caricatures sprites and unrendered polygon 3D splatters across the screen that were well below the level of expectation of their current generation graphics, it’s a wonder that the show creators were ever able to make another entry again.

No one has forgotten the abysmal travesty history of the franchise that is the handiwork of the show creators. Their obsessive compulsive oversight mixed with a lack of capable developers created a messy labor of love that still haunts varying degrees of platforms today.

That satirical entry with Chef’s Love Shack did the franchise no favors, either. So why all the hype now about this current entry? Simple: the overzealous and narcissistic bragging interviews of the personal genre preferences of the show creators made a demand for this attempt, that’s why.

Leave it to Trey Parker and Matt Stone to boldly proclaim their proud overbearing reign over their intellectual property can now make a dent in platform titles because the technology has finally caught up to their vision. We’ll just forget their lazy licensing back in the day when they were gun happy to give up their baby to the highest bidder for a minute.

Let me get this straight. The show creators, who have NEVER made a great title in the gaming world have finally decided to correct shit graphics and gameplay by creating a very long and uncensored extended episode that just so happens to feature irritatingly RPG mechanics repetitively but lacking the ability to just make it engaging AGAIN. Alrighty then.

Here we go with the laundry list of the Stick of Lies and the creators ‘infinite genius’ over the development house.

After all, when you dedicate an entire mission to the protagonist watching is parents having butt naked sex complete with colorful commentary, who cares whether or not the controls are great for a hodgepodge of battleground dynamics, right?

Just because 2D animated characters happen to role play as a plot device on your show doesn’t automatically translate into a hit, especially with an active battle time system nicely stolen from the Final Fantasy franchise. It’s even more annoying when your enemies challenge you to fight every fifteen seconds with repetitive dialogue for programming reasons unknown.

Item upgrades that become irrelevant as your character levels up will not win you any most improved entry awards at E3, either. Neither is wasting players time with personalized character creation, only to have it ignored as a plot device of an antagonistic ally who prefers to call you douchebag and force you into the worst clothes imaginable as part of the ‘story’.

At least the game learned how to recycle in the appropriate trash bins. Playing as the new kid at this point in life is the ultimate cliché of unoriginality. Stock archives for Chef’s voice from twenty years ago was just as out of place as a prostitute soliciting clients in church. Elimination of the older characters outside of brief cameos was more frustrating than eating gangrene pig intestines covered in Grey Poupon.

This is a complete Stick of Lies; a waste of a title entry. As an exclusive side scroller this would have corrected the ills of the past; instead, players are force fed another half-cocked effort that can’t even be summed up as an homage to the genre it heavily stole from. Not even the absolute absurd and over the top raunchy cut scenes can save it from lackluster disintegration.

At least the PC platform got a port and included DLC because that’s the important thing, right?

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Gwendolyn L. Spelvin

Gwendolyn L. Spelvin is a philosopher of the Edward Bernays Century of Self, a follower of Sigmund Freud’s explorations of the subconscious mind through chemical means, and an avid enthusiast of Adolph Hitler’s short-lived ballet career before he rose through the ranks of the Third Reich. Spelvin had dedicated her post academic career as an innovative writer that creates a written vision to prove misanthropic tendencies works with an audience, crafting a message that sways public approval towards her client’s products to the guarantee of the masses blindly supporting the company agenda without them knowing it. A dirty job, but someone has to pacify the idiots who know not what they blindly support into a continuing trek of oblivion. Last, but not least, Spelvin is a firm believer in the annihilation of the JUSTIN BELIBERS. Currently she is working on her cookbook, To Serve A Hot Man: Jeffrey Dahmer's Classic Recipes due out this Christmas.