Monday, 06 June 2016 00:00

The Candlelight Has Burned Out On Both Ends

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Candlelight is just another very bad action adventure Scared Straight special.

Like every other shoebox developer locked and loaded with an assumed awesome company name, internet connection, a PayPal account, and access to the over glorified Unity engine and subsequent theme packs, Pixel Maverick attempts to cheaply woo players into accepting offerings that look like they are twenty-two years past its initial shelf life.

And from that cut, copy, and emulate manifesto, a ball of wax was born.

From an anthropomorphic perspective, it’s absolutely great that Pixel Maverick is able to churn out such an action packed saga that looks like it debuted alongside the best offerings of Super Nintendo era, and to a lesser extent, Sega Genesis.  For that, it should be commended.

However, it’s 2016.  Throwing a melting ball of wax into the Unity engine and creating something over the top that could have been done in two weeks with Game Maker Pro and a very bored Super Nintendo modding community is just plain uneventful.

Anybody that grew up on in the Super Nintendo generation era doesn’t need reminders in the cannon.  That is why nerds created emulators, to recapture the magic.  Creating a title that throws the player into a nostalgic reminder Candlelight is sloppy seconds to the classics is a recipe for disaster.

Case in point; players from that era are notoriously picky and have high standards regardless of graphics.  Candlelight and its newer contemporaries reminds the connoisseur of classics that their attempts at recreation fail at providing invigorating stories you cared about, character depth, and villains that motivated success. 

So Pixel Maverick, how the hell does a melting dollar store candle, who’s most enduring skill set is collecting wax to keep from burning out compare to such a tall order?  Cry me a river.

Seriously folks, who in their right mind perceived that a story about a literal lone melting candle was the most astute and dynamic protagonist choice to carry a side scroller action adventure?

This has got to be the worst critical blunder to hit the PC platform since Leisure Suit Larry: Box Office Bust.  Anyone who really thought in a pitch meeting that wicks on sticks jumping over bricks was a great idea should be given a scarlet letter.

Kudos to you, Pixel Maverick, on finishing something that has similarly been recreated with Game Maker Pro.  However, your efforts in 2016 remind us all how Candlelight is just another reminder of the blatant reality to the ease of access and lack of quality that now hinders the industry.

Being heavily influenced by Donkey Kong Country on a PC platformer with retro spoofed graphics, fonts, story progression, and control schematics is an automatic epic fail.  There is no such thing as creating a masterpiece.  Stepping on another generation’s title toes makes Candlelight nothing more than a flashback irrelevancy of lost potential, not worthy to be amongst the titans of the genre it went through boring pains to emulate.

Seriously, what developer in 2016 is INTENTIONALLY creating short titles with minimal gameplay and thinking it’s a great idea?  Is this a PC platformer or a Sega Game Gear title?  There is no way in hell that Quality and Assurance co-signed on a measly fifteen level side scrolling adventure without a fight, right?

Such a moot point would not be subjected to scrutiny had the graphics not been all over the place.  Rule of thumb here Pixel Maverick; Just because you have extra forest and fauna textures in your Unity pack doesn’t necessarily mean you have to use them.

Your wonderful background blurring in high definition makes a collage that allows all players to experience the action through the eyes of the colorblind.  It has been speculated that 90% of all players will need corrective eye surgery to undo the cross eye effect experienced discerning platforms from trees.  Another epic first in gaming.

At least the wax dripping all over the place can be easily spotted like cigarette butts scattered across a gum riddled sidewalk, right?

Hold yourself in shame and embarrassment that Candlelight has been bested by contemporary predecessors who lacked the benefit of modern game engines and 3D render modeling.  But hey, when the majority of your budget appears to go into somber ambient horror film elevator music instead of the traditional 16bit overbite of the genre, priorities get misdirected.

At least Pixel Maverick can repackage the soundtrack as alternative meditation music for players to be lulled to sleep.  Nothing says relaxation from more action packed titles as a wandering candle losing its light faster than a battery in a fisher price flashlight.

Since the candle did not burn any faster than what Pixel Maverick allowed it, take it out of its misery.

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Gwendolyn L. Spelvin

Gwendolyn L. Spelvin is a philosopher of the Edward Bernays Century of Self, a follower of Sigmund Freud’s explorations of the subconscious mind through chemical means, and an avid enthusiast of Adolph Hitler’s short-lived ballet career before he rose through the ranks of the Third Reich. Spelvin had dedicated her post academic career as an innovative writer that creates a written vision to prove misanthropic tendencies works with an audience, crafting a message that sways public approval towards her client’s products to the guarantee of the masses blindly supporting the company agenda without them knowing it. A dirty job, but someone has to pacify the idiots who know not what they blindly support into a continuing trek of oblivion. Last, but not least, Spelvin is a firm believer in the annihilation of the JUSTIN BELIBERS. Currently she is working on her cookbook, To Serve A Hot Man: Jeffrey Dahmer's Classic Recipes due out this Christmas.