IT'S A GROWER, NOT A SHOWER

Originally available on Steam’s Early Access in 2016, Genital Jousting was a multiplayer game that has recently celebrated its official launch. A new Single Player mode has been added, which adds an unexpected level of depth to a title that initially survived on shock value alone. On the surface, developer Free Live’s new game looks like apornographic Octodad clone that begs the question: Who asked for this? Genital Jousting is the first game on Steam, possibly the first game ever created, where you play as the primary member of the male anatomy. Playing as a penis is virtually unprecedented in the world of gaming, because there's never been any complaints to the lack thereof. So, why buy a game no one asked for?

PLAYING WITH YOURSELF

Single Player mode is the primary reason to consider purchasing Genital Jousting.  In this mode, players will take the role of John. John is an average Joe [EN: Ha.] who has recently received an invitation to his high school reunion that makes him question his existence, but mostly makes him nervous about showing up without a girlfriend. John’s noble quest isn’t just to bring a date to his high school reunion. On this quest, the player will find themselves figuring out what makes someone attractive, valuable, and what traits makes someone worth loving. There’s also, of course, dick jokes. Lots and lots of dick jokes. It’s easy to get lost in John’s world, thanks to the soft, pastel palette and vivid, stylized design. Soft colors look surprisingly good on some admittedly well-modeled members, and the world around them looks like it’s always been a wang’s word. Everyday tasks, like eating spaghetti, shopping, and going to the gym all play out in amusing scenarios that make more sense than they should, accompanied by a brilliantly written voice actor that evoked laughter and crying over the course of an hour. Single player oozes charm and evokes interesting feelings of love, sadness, and hate in a game where one would least expect it. Playing as a wang having an existential crisis and trying to improve his life is an immersive experience, but it only lasts about an hour, even with stopping to explore the world.

SHORT AND UNIMPRESSIVE

Multiplayer is short on pleasure, which is unfortunate considering that it’s the only reason to keep Genital Jousting installed after polishing off its Single Player. Multiplayer consists of three different activities: Traditional Mode, Party Mode, and Date Night. Traditional Mode is a battle of the balls for up to eight players, each competing to penetrate the quickest. The challenge forms as each player slowly grows in size with every win, with the best players having longer, more uncontrollable, throbbing trouser snakes, making it more challenging for them to maneuver into an enemy anus. The player that reaches a certain length first is the winner. Party Mode pits your penis into competition in a collection of minigames in an attempt to claim your rightful place as top banana. These minigames range from consuming the most enhancement pills, racing through a cacti field, or a one-on-one game of soccer that simulates network lag (which is one of the more exciting choices). Extra games can be unlocked simply by playing Party Mode. Date Night is a one-on-one co-op mode, where players will take their dong on a date with another dong, pick flowers, have dinner, Nutflix — that’s not what it’s really called — and chill, and live an entire life with their better half. It’s cute, but isn’t worth playing again after the initial run. The thrill of the entire multiplayer selection wears off after a few minutes and doesn’t boast much replay value. Both Traditional Mode and Party Mode are fun the first time around, but even with unlockable costumes and games, there's not much of a reason to play more than twenty minutes.

LEFT ME FEELING UNSATISFIED

Genital Jousting doesn’t bring much to the bedroom despite being in development for a year. The game is fun to bring to a party for a few chuckles and if you'd like to create some mystery about your sexual orientation, but aside from that, it’s hard to justify a purchase. Seven dollars is enough for a good lunch, an italian sub with balsamic vinegar, fish and chips, another dollar and you could get two of those four dollar meals with the chicken nuggets and burger. A good lunch can last longer and be more satisfying than this game. For another three dollars you could be getting actual games that don’t depend on nostalgic toilet humor — as it stands, it’s hard to recommend paying full price.